The Third Developmental Layer: Ego Identity, Power & the Roots of Shame
Kids Circle | Article Series
Between 18 months and 4 years, children are not just growing physically—they are forming the foundation of their ego identity. This is a sacred phase where the child begins to step out of pure dependency and into selfhood. The question that begins to shape their behavior is:
“Who am I, and how does my will impact the world around me?”
In this phase, toddlers begin to express clear preferences, assert independence, and test boundaries—not as defiance, but as early expressions of personal power.
They are learning:
Can I say no and still be loved?
Does my voice matter?
Is it safe to express what I want, need, or feel?
And most importantly: What happens when I use my power? Do I get connection—or shame?
Power or Punishment: The Crossroads of Identity
This is the stage where children are building a lifelong relationship with power and shame. Every response they receive becomes a message encoded in their nervous system:
When their “no” is punished or dismissed, they may learn: my voice creates disconnection.
When their impulses are shamed, they may internalize: my desires are wrong or bad.
When their autonomy is controlled, they may believe: being in my power is unsafe.
Many of us, as adults, still carry the remnants of this early learning—fawning, over-apologizing, disconnecting from anger, or overcompensating to feel worthy.
What Children Need in This Phase
Rather than seeing this time as “terrible twos” or “challenging threes,” we can view it as a crucial initiation—one that calls for boundaries, yes, but also reverence.
Children at this stage need:
Attuned boundaries that protect, not punish
A safe space to test their will without being shamed
Repair after rupture, so power and love stay connected
Freedom to explore their voice and impact without fear
The goal is not to suppress their power, but to guide it with love—so they learn that power and connection can coexist.
What Shame Teaches (and Why It Hurts)
Shame is not just an emotion—it’s a relational experience that teaches the child: “You must hide part of yourself to stay close." Left unaddressed, shame becomes internalized and can manifest later as anxiety, people-pleasing, or aggression.
But when we stay present—when we welcome their fire, their boldness, their “too muchness”—we’re teaching them something radically different:
“All of you is welcome here. Even when it’s hard.”
Reflection for Parents & Caregivers
How was your own power met in early childhood?
Were you allowed to express will, or did it bring punishment or silence?
What happens in your body when your child takes up space, says “no,” or demands more?
Can you hold your child’s bigness without collapsing, controlling, or withdrawing?
This is the sacred dance of early ego identity—where power first finds form, and shame first whispers its name.
Let’s raise children who do not fear their own fire.Let’s become adults who no longer extinguish it—in them or in ourselves.
You can be in your power, and still be deeply loved.